In recent years, football has become obsessed with data. Players train in vests equipped with GPS to track how far, how often and how intensely they sprint. Data has become so important, clubs have entire departments dedicated to the field and the game has invented a list of acronyms that rivals a Nissan GT-R’s. But scouts still have something the old school refers to as ‘the eye test’, an unquantifiable, instinctive knack for assessing whether a player has it.

In the car industry, the equivalent would be market research, a.k.a. the science of giving people what they want. Or at least those living in the biggest marketplace. As we all know, over the past decade manufacturers have curated their designs to cater to the tastes of China, whose booming economy has turned western car design on its head.

The biggest offender used to be BMW, but now Mercedes-Benz has flashed their three-pointed-star-encrusted headlights and elbowed Munich out of the way. The two German titans are fierce rivals, and both have launched pivotal SUVs at this year's IAA Mobility Show in the form of the iX3 and GLC. Munich has scored a bullseye, but Mercedes has missed the board completely.

The three-pointed star used to stand for something, a paragon of class, elegance and engineering that had one enduring quality above all else: timelessness. The contrast to legendary designer Paul Bracq’s best work – clean surfacing, balanced proportions, and restrained detailing – could not be more stark. Now it’s just a jewel championed in press releases for the number of times it’s festooned across a car. 142 is the count on the CLA, and that’s just the LEDs in the grille. On the GLC, the star-acne has spread to the headlights and taillights – Mercedes stylists would benefit from the acting advice given by Kirk Lazarus to Tug Speedman in Tropic Thunder.

Just in case any owners forget what brand they’ve bought, the GLC puts on a full-blown concert on approach – a laser show from the illuminated megagrille, backed up by the headlights and taillights, scored by an “aura sound.”

The decks are then passed to the 99.3-centimetre MBUX HYPERSCREEN. No, that’s not been capitalised for effect. As the press release insists: “The emotional welcome continues with ambient lighting and newly designed animations.”

The finishing touch is the SKY CONTROL panoramic roof, which adds another 162 three-pointed twinkles. In fairness, this would be a classy flourish on its own, but lumped together it’s pure pantomime. 

Beyond the branding, tech is the other big selling point in the Far East. For those high-productivity LinkedIn types, the GLC hosts Teams meetings on the move – camera on, so your underlings with their A200 AMG Lines out in the car park can admire you and aspire to be you. In the unlikely event your diary’s clear, a Mercedes Avatar will keep you company, glowing green with approval whenever you remember your p’s and q’s.

The net result is a complete dissolution of values. Once the most coveted brand in the industry, Mercedes-Benz now panders to people sporting unnatural tans and comically white teeth who dream of Love Island stardom and holidaying in Dubai.

It’s a dangerous thing to gamble so hard with your legacy. Munich has learned this lesson with the Neue Klasse – the iX3 isn’t perfect, but it instantly dated the GLC revealed just 48 hours later. BMW is returning to its roots at the right time, whereas Mercedes is betting the house on bling.

Data results in cars that appeal to the Chinese market. And none of them pass the eye test. Least of all the new GLC.